Expecting the Good

I’m 23 weeks pregnant today.

I can feel our little baby kicking and twisting and turning. I legitimately never thought I would be able to experience this sensation. I had accepted that I would never feel a baby move inside me and maybe I’d never even be a parent at all. Life had thrown me a deep curve ball, and it took a lot of years to come to some sort of acceptance about that. I had to readjust everything. My expectations. My plans. My ideas. My thoughts. My home. My values. My work. My purpose. My meaning.

And now, I find myself doing the same. Readjusting. Questioning my expectations. Moving around my plans. Changing my ideas. Reviewing my thoughts. Remaking my home. Shifting my values. Moving my work. Choosing my purpose. Claiming my meaning.

Like the little baby inside me, I’m doing a lot of kicking and twisting and turning.

I think we’re never just settled, right? Maybe we’re not meant to be. I wrote an essay once about how infertility taught me to let go. And it has. Letting go makes room for so much more. But it’s not a singular process. It’s the journey of a lifetime. So I continue to let go. And I try to remain open. Open to the possibilities. And, especially right now, I’m trying to remain open to the GOOD possibilities. Because, unfortunately, infertility also taught me to expect that bad stuff will happen to me. It’s true sometimes. But it isn’t true at all times. With the bad also comes so much good. Probably even more good than bad.

And really, every time I feel a little nudge from baby, I’m reminded about the good that awaits. And I’m open to what that good will actually look like. Because nothing is ever really what you think it will be.

So maybe with that letting go, there’s also a little bit of hanging on — to hope, to life, to self, to others. Just as you can’t have bad without good, you also can’t have letting go without hanging on.

I love you so much little one. I can’t wait (well — actually — I can) to see what more you teach and reteach me.

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