Now

I gave an update about our adoption journey on another post. In summary, we are in a phase where we are trying to figure out our next steps. And we are open to our options.

I’ve posted about our journey to grow our family off and on for a handful of years now. I go through phases of isolation and phases of reaching out. And, most recently, I chose to share our story with some very specific people. I firmly believe that you do not need to post on social media to be brave, vulnerable and authentic.

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I think, in the past, I’ve used social media as a crutch — an excuse for not reaching out in person. I’d tell myself that I posted something really vulnerable and I’d done my job to connect. But, after posting, I’d find myself feeling lonely and a little empty — even though there was an inevitable outpouring of support from my amazing network of people. I am always grateful and touched that so many people care about me, but I couldn’t shake that lonely feeling. So, this time, I wanted to hold my story close and do some intentional in-person connection before heading online.

I’ve done that. And now I’m at a point where I want to share our story more broadly. Partly because writing for others is how I make sense of the world and my place in it.

And so I did. First, about our adoption update. And, second, well, that comes next.

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We were asked why we decided not to take Clomid. After all the intrusive infertility tests and the damning diagnosis, Clomid is often the first course of action. We were prescribed the medication a few years ago and never took it. I honestly can’t explain why. It just didn’t feel like the next step for us. A few months later, we had started our adoption paperwork. Adoption is a really difficult and complex process and journey for absolutely everyone involved. At the beginning, it felt so productive — like we were *finally* experiencing some wins! But then time does its thing. You know that thing, right? Where time wears you down and shows you all the gray in what you thought was black and white?

So, as I said, we have been taking a moment to step back and look at all our options. One of those options is fertility treatments. I’ve been taking Clomid since the beginning of the year. And, before you start wondering, this is not a pregnancy announcement. We have since moved to the next stop on the fertility treatment train: IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Our first IUI was last month. It was not successful. The next step after a few rounds of IUI would be IVF. We aren’t sure how long we’ll ride this train. But, for now, we’re on it.

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I truly don’t need to get pregnant. I have moved through that grief and have accepted that it’s likely I’ll never experience pregnancy. But, after all the culture and upbringing and expectations and socialization is stripped away, I still really WANT to be a mom. And, at the risk of sounding like Veruca Salt, I want it now. I’m done waiting. I’ve realized that some things don’t just happen. There are some things you have to fight for.

So, we’re hoping we get pregnant. And we’re also hoping we can adopt. One or the other or both. The story lacks clarity, and its certainly not linear. That really bugged me at first. But, hey, if I’m really honest, the most interesting stories are always a little messy.

Photos by Malae Talley Photography

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